Monday, 28 February 2011

If you fail to plan...

About two years ago, well before either of my boys started school, I told Bundle and Cherub the story of a camp I went to when I was about 16. We were sleeping in army style tents, which meant I was sharing a tent with about 7 other moderately smelly guys.

One night, after lights out, one of my mates decided to sing "10 Green bottles", except that he thought it would be funnier if he started somewhere around 50.

By the time he got down to the mid-20s, one of the other guys in the tent had had enough and told him "That's it! Enough. There is one bottle left, and then the song is OVER".

Our singer responded with:

"One green bottle, hanging on the wall

One green bottle, hanging on the wall

And if one green bottle should be accidentally ADDED

There'd be two green bottles, hanging on the wall

Two green bottles, hanging on the wall...."


What I didn't consider was that two years after I told that story, Bundle's Grade 1 teacher might decide that the class should sing the same song, and that Bundle would suggest that the class should add bottles instead of removing them and, just for good measure, he would tell the teacher that it was all my idea.

I suddenly feel less distressed about missing parent teacher night.

Monday, 20 December 2010

2010 - The year in updates

If history is defined as those things that seemed important (or funny) enough to use as a status update on facebook when they happened, then this is, sort of, the year that was.

I say "sort of" because I have left out all status updates whch relate to Cherub's week in hospital last March. I don't want to blog about it because it sucked.

So, more or less in chronological order, here's most of the rest of the child related updated of 2010.

INC is the silliest person in the whole stinking world - Bundle, Aged 5

Okay, so not a great start to the year.

Some days I might have objected to this, but it was the end of an exhausting holiday with certain extended family members and I had forgotten to pack dry underwaer for my son to change into after a trip to the pool. The above quote accurately sums up Bundle's feelings about having no underwear to wear to his cousins' place for the afternoon.

INC has discovered that a good cup of coffee, "Lets go to the Zoo" on the CD player, and playing both sides of a game of chess between Bundle and Cherub makes for a pretty good start to a public holiday. Four hours at the wave pool was pretty good too.

As the public holiday in question was Australia Day, let me just mention that I was happy that Cherub, who was then several months shy of his 4th birthday, was into chess at all.

INC asked "What's the time, Mr Wolf". Bundle the wolf said "it's time to sew up those holes in your shirt.

I'm not sure how many steps I was then required to take. It can be a confusing game.

INC is pleased that Cherub enjoys singing, but not so sure about his song choice. Sample lyrics from tonight include "In every house, they're doing the butt dance, oh yeah".

If you must know, there was a dance. With no pants.

INC managed to get Cherub out of a bad mood by bribing him with a really long slice of cucumber. Maybe this works for all children but nobody else has ever tried it?

Sadly, I cannot recall it working more than once.

INC started the day with Cherub saying "yippee" for 10 minutes straight because I agreed that we might open his presents some time in the next hour. Then, as we were leaving to go to the play centre for his party, he told me I needed to change into a better shirt or "everyone will think you're in a costume". I love you my beautiful four year old boy.

Just for the record, I'm pretty sure that I did actually change my shirt at that point.

INC always enjoys the combination of a good vocabulary and a hissy fit. When I told Cherub it was time to put his PJs on, he pounded his fist on his bed and furiously declared "I've had enough of these double standards"

The phrase "double standards" was repeated many times over a period of several weeks. I still don't know where he picked it up, or why it applied to the wearing of pyjamas at bedtime.

INC is slightly surprised that my son thinks that "well, you haven't oiled your feet" is a winning argument. In relation to anything.

I can't now remember which boy this was, but I'm guessing it was Bundle.

One friend, who has not met my sons, left a comment asking "Only slightly?", to which the answer is a resounding "yes".

Another friend, who has met Bundle and Cherub, said that this was not surprising at all.

INC should be using this opportunity to congratulate Bundle for being named Prep Student of the Week. Instead, I plan to congratulate his for telling me that he could not remember the name of Sponge-Bob's friend, but he thought it might be "Cake-Bob". One day, two awesome achievements.

I didn't know the answer either.

INC just watched a massed choir of 60 or so prep kids performing the "Humpty Dumpty Haka". I have not stopped laughing yet, and I don't plan to.

We do, however, apologise to any New Zealanders who happened to be in the hall at the time.

INC thought it was very sweet that when CHerub was sobbing about narrowly losing a game of Pokemon, Bundle, ever gracious in victory, patted him on teh shoulder and said "It's okay, you can play against Dad next, and he'll lose". When I objected to this, he said "But Daddy, you always do"

Maybe I never won because the rules of that game are insane. The rulebook includes a section called "Can my Pokemon be asleep and confused at the same time". This means a lot of people have actually asked that question.

INC was incredibly happy with Bundle's first school report, mostly because the teacher had to really work hard to find areas for improvement. If a prep kid needs to "improve fluency in reading" rather than, say, "learn to read", it's a pretty decent start

His second school report was even better. Yes, I am the insufferable parent who brags about how smart my kids are. This is unlikely to change.

INC is impressed with Bundle's suggestion that we should get a pet zebra and name it Collingwood

And yet, after trying for a year, we cannot think of a good name for the dog we are (still) planning to buy

Bundle: "I hope I have a happy birthday" Cherub: "Yes, you will. I promise you" My kids are awes

I really can't believe Bundle is 6 already. How did that happen?

INC came home tonight to find Bundle and Cherub playing a game called "Daddy". This involved one of them laughing a lot and the other one yelling "Just go to bed!"

Apparently I have been a bit insistent about bedtimes this year. And probably a bit stressed.

INC has convinced my boys that in a pillowfight, any sucessful strike must be followed by the words "Touche, pussycat" in a really high voice. It turns out that for some of us, even a relatively small amount of spare time can be considered "too much".

Well, no explanation needed there.

INC found Cherub's socks in the basketball net. Cherub asked me not to get them out because "I'm admiring my work".

Or there.

INC loved Cherub's attempt to persuade a dog to stop licking him. I quote "Idon't smell like sausages... but my Dad does"

And I did, but only because I had spent a large part of the morning selling the sausages to raised money for Cherub's kinder.

INC turned around this morning to discover that the "mwah mwah mwah" sound behind me was Bundle's new toy koala kissing his old toy kangaroo. Cherub said "Awww, they've falled in love already".


INC loved taking the boys down to the oval to practise goal kicking today. Bundle would line up 35 metres out on a 45 degree angle and stand there with an expression of mixed concentration and apprehension that reminded me irresistably of Travis Cloke. Then he would run 34 metres and kick the goal from point blank range.

And then there were celebrations.

INC apparently needs to create a facebook page for my 6 year old son so I can change his relationship status to "is engaged".

Yes, a young lady in his class asked him to marry her (twice), and, on the second time, he said yes.

My very favourite part came a few days later, when we were siting at the dinner table. Bundle reminded me that he was going to marry Rachel. Cherub said "So, you think she's pretty, don;t you. Bundle paused for just a moment before grinning and saying quietly "Yes, I do".

Also, Cherub decided he would need to find "a prettier Rachel" to marry.

He has subsequently abandoned this idea and asked me to ask a friend if her 8 year old daughter is engaged yet. He wasn't too stressed about the outcome of this query, as even if young Hayley was engaged, "She might change her mind".

Usually, "he's half her age" is just an expression. Not in this case.

INC is impressed with the range of attacks my children's toy puppies have mastered this week. They include "flying claw", "tooth boost" and my personal favourite, "spinning tail beam". No, I can't see that letting the kids watch pokemon movies has had any effect at all. Why do you ask?

Well, at least it took their minds off their obsession with getting engaged.

The kids are convinced that flapping their arms actually helps them to jump higher on teh trampoline. I therefore have to say "I had nothing to do with that", closely followed by "Dude, you have to see this".

Seriously, that was not my idea. Also, it actually seems to work, if only by improving their balance.


And that is it for 2010. Happy New Year to Meva, and anyone else who may ever read this. More stories next year. Probably.

Sunday, 5 September 2010

Choo life

So, my father's day started at 5.20am, when Cherub decided that we all needed to be told that he needed to go to the bathroom.

My personal view here is that he can manage this activty perfectly well all by himself and my company is not required, particularly not, and let's be really clear about this, at 5.20 a-freaking-m.

I have a plan. Next father's day, we are skipping the presents. Instead, my boys are going to let me sleep past 7.30am for the first time in SEVEN VERY LONG YEARS.

When I set up this blog, I really didn't think the web address would still be relevant three years later.

Still, it's hard to be too grumpy when we spent the extra hours we had together this morning building a train out of lego-type blocks for Bundle's favourite cuddly toy to ride in, and the quiet morning was filled with cries of "Here come the wuffy train".

On the off chance that any guy with kids other than me ever reads this, HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

And that makes 11

So, what happens when:
1. One of your children is learning to read, and the other is yet to do so, and
2. Someone told them that the Bible is a source of some sort of authority?

You get to hear one of them saying this.

Bundle: No, Cherub, look, I'll show you. See here in the Bible, on page one, it says......

[wait for it]


"People should not make those silly noises"

Thursday, 17 June 2010

And I'm still not sure what was so upsetting about Rock & Roller Cola Wars...

Do you ever wonder what the kids get up to when you're at work?

Today's answer is that Cherub spent the morning breathing fire. First he ate some fire, then he breathed out, then there was fire all over the floor, but "luckily mum cleaned it up". Fortunately, even though he was standing on the carpet, that didn't get fired.

Bundle, who was at school while all this was going on, wasn't entirely sure that he should believe Cherub's account, so he asked a few questions. This went on for so long that I went and found a pen and started taking notes.

Bundle: You weren't really breathing fire, were you?

Cherub: Yes, I was. I'm telling the truth.

Bundle: How did you eat the fire?

Cherub: Well, first I got some fire from a dragon, then I ate it, and then I breathed it out.

Bundle: Well there are no dragons around here, so I don't believe you.

Cherub: Actually, I got it from a firefly.

Bundle: No. Fireflies only come out at night. They do not come out during the day.

Cherub: Well, this one did. Then it passed the fire on to a frog, and the frog passed it on to me, and I ate it.

Bundle: No, I don't believe you. I do NOT believe you.

Cherub: Well, that was just a conversation about fire that we had to have.

Bundle: No, I do not believe you. I do not.

Cherub: Okay, well, of course, I was tricking about the firefly and the frog. But I found some fire on the ground by myself. Well actually it was on the floor in the house, which isn't good.

They are in bed now, but I suspect that if I went upstairs, I would find that this conversation was still going.

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

Just like my actual musical career, only with more heckling

INC: You drive me cra-a-azy, I just can't sleep...

Bundle: Daddy, why are you singing?

INC: You know, some days I just can't help it.

Bundle: Oh yes. You can. You can help it.

INC: Okay, look, you're in luck. Today is one of the days when I can help it

Bundle: Oh. No. You can ALWAYS help it.

INC: Okay, so, I'm just going to sing in the car on the way to work today. That way, no one will hear me


Does anyone else think he's trying to tell me something?

Monday, 5 April 2010

Nobody said it was easy/ No one ever said it would be this hard

So, having covered history with Cherub, we now turn to science with Bundle.

Two quick facts:

1. It is very hot on the sun. But you won't burn your feet so long as you wear shoes.

2. Rocks don't burn, unless they are in a volcano. That only happens when the volcano is interrupting.