My boys are going through a phase. For about the last 6 months. Every night when they hear me coming through the front door they abandon their dinner and hide under the kitchen table.
They know that I know where they are.
They jump out and say "boo" anyway, and laugh when I pretend to freak out.
Last night, we had a variation on this when young Cherub decided to stay under the table for as long as possible.
It went like this:
INC: Where's Cherub gone?
Cherub (from under the table): You have to guess where I am.
INC: Okay. Are you in Japan?
Cherub (from under the table): No
INC: Are you in America?
Cherub (from under the table): No
INC: Are you under the table and you need to come up and eat your dinner right now?
Cherub (from under the table): No
INC: I think you are.
Cherub (from under the table): You have to ask if I'm in France.
INC: Okay [small sigh] Are you in France?
Cherub (from under the table): NO!
Tuesday 17 November 2009
Saturday 3 October 2009
It's just another Saturday, in a not particularly tired or old street
A few highlights from today.
We started with Bundle and Cherub making puppets out of cardboard, paddle pop sticks and pipe cleaners and putting on the worst puppet show since Rory Gilmore discovered socks. I loved every single second of it. Five stars.
We went to the park to fly the styrofoam planes that we bought at Australian Geographic during last week's train trip to Melbourne Central. Inevitably, at some point in this exercise, Bundle's plane got stuck in a tree. The plane was out of reach and there was no hope of climbing the tree, since even the lowest branches were unreachable too.
I decided to get the plane down by throwing the only item I could find, which was my muesli bar. Incredibly, this almost worked. I hit the plane on my third throw and knocked to a lower, if still unreachable, branch.
Sadly, two throws later, the muesli bar got stuck too.
Bundle had stayed pretty calm up to this point, but when he realised we had nothing else to throw, he started to get seriously worried. Fortunately, I found a tennis ball in the boot, and ten or so throws later the plane was low enough to be poked with a stick, and, shortly after that, back on the ground.
Bundle was pretty excited, but still possessed of a sense of perspective, as demonstrated by:
Bundle: MY PLANE! YAY!!
INC: Is your daddy awesome?
Bundle: YES! Well, except for the muesli bar.
The park was followed by a trip to Bunnings to buy, as it turned out, hardly any mulch, and then home for lunch. After lunch , we played many more ridiculous games on the trampoline, we played with my sister's dog who is visiting for a few weeks, and then, for reasons that may one day be clear, Cherub decided that the next game we played would involve throwing a basketball "at your butt".
Cherub took an early lead by announcing this game while I was retrieving Bundle's football from under the trampoline, meaning his task was not that difficult.
After I levelled the scores a couple of minutes later, Bundle and Cherub teamed up and chased me around the yard for a minute or two, leading to this:
Bundle: Stand still, daddy, stand still. You have to stand still!
INC: I'm not going to stand still. That would make it too simple. I'm going to run around
Bundle: No daddy! We're on the 'easy' level.
For the record, the next level was 'medium', and I was allowed to move so long as it was at a walk and backwards.
Dull moments are something that happens to other people.
We started with Bundle and Cherub making puppets out of cardboard, paddle pop sticks and pipe cleaners and putting on the worst puppet show since Rory Gilmore discovered socks. I loved every single second of it. Five stars.
We went to the park to fly the styrofoam planes that we bought at Australian Geographic during last week's train trip to Melbourne Central. Inevitably, at some point in this exercise, Bundle's plane got stuck in a tree. The plane was out of reach and there was no hope of climbing the tree, since even the lowest branches were unreachable too.
I decided to get the plane down by throwing the only item I could find, which was my muesli bar. Incredibly, this almost worked. I hit the plane on my third throw and knocked to a lower, if still unreachable, branch.
Sadly, two throws later, the muesli bar got stuck too.
Bundle had stayed pretty calm up to this point, but when he realised we had nothing else to throw, he started to get seriously worried. Fortunately, I found a tennis ball in the boot, and ten or so throws later the plane was low enough to be poked with a stick, and, shortly after that, back on the ground.
Bundle was pretty excited, but still possessed of a sense of perspective, as demonstrated by:
Bundle: MY PLANE! YAY!!
INC: Is your daddy awesome?
Bundle: YES! Well, except for the muesli bar.
The park was followed by a trip to Bunnings to buy, as it turned out, hardly any mulch, and then home for lunch. After lunch , we played many more ridiculous games on the trampoline, we played with my sister's dog who is visiting for a few weeks, and then, for reasons that may one day be clear, Cherub decided that the next game we played would involve throwing a basketball "at your butt".
Cherub took an early lead by announcing this game while I was retrieving Bundle's football from under the trampoline, meaning his task was not that difficult.
After I levelled the scores a couple of minutes later, Bundle and Cherub teamed up and chased me around the yard for a minute or two, leading to this:
Bundle: Stand still, daddy, stand still. You have to stand still!
INC: I'm not going to stand still. That would make it too simple. I'm going to run around
Bundle: No daddy! We're on the 'easy' level.
For the record, the next level was 'medium', and I was allowed to move so long as it was at a walk and backwards.
Dull moments are something that happens to other people.
Monday 31 August 2009
I don't know what to say to that (uh-hum)
INC: So, what would you like for lunch today?
Cherub: Nothing
INC: Oh, okay. Here you go.
*Passes a handful of nothing to Cherub*
Cherub (angrily): Pfft. I didn't mean a real nothing.
Cherub: Nothing
INC: Oh, okay. Here you go.
*Passes a handful of nothing to Cherub*
Cherub (angrily): Pfft. I didn't mean a real nothing.
Sunday 16 August 2009
Law & Order: WDTAOK Pt II
I tell you, you let a boy go to just one "Emergency Services" day at Kinder and this is what happens....
The scene is our kitchen. Bundle's police car has just caught up with Cherub's speeding hot rod and the dialogue goes a little something like this:
Officer Bundle: You were speeding again. I'm taking you to jail
Speeding Cherub: But, but, I'm a mummy
Officer Bundle: Well, they'll just have to miss you for a few days. Come on.
Speeding Cherub: But, I was only speeding to catch up with my darlings...
Officer Bundle: YOU DON'T HAVE ANY DARLINGS. You've told me that before. I'm locking you up.
[Escorts speeding Cherub to jail]
....
It's quite surprising that certain politic parties who like to run on a 'law and order' type platform have not lobbied to lower the voting age to four. That rumbling that you hear off in the distance is the start of the biggest landslide ever.
The scene is our kitchen. Bundle's police car has just caught up with Cherub's speeding hot rod and the dialogue goes a little something like this:
Officer Bundle: You were speeding again. I'm taking you to jail
Speeding Cherub: But, but, I'm a mummy
Officer Bundle: Well, they'll just have to miss you for a few days. Come on.
Speeding Cherub: But, I was only speeding to catch up with my darlings...
Officer Bundle: YOU DON'T HAVE ANY DARLINGS. You've told me that before. I'm locking you up.
[Escorts speeding Cherub to jail]
....
It's quite surprising that certain politic parties who like to run on a 'law and order' type platform have not lobbied to lower the voting age to four. That rumbling that you hear off in the distance is the start of the biggest landslide ever.
Friday 14 August 2009
Cheer up with Cherub
I don't think I've ever seen a three year old comfort an older sibling before. It wasn't just a first, it was also incredibly sweet....
Bundle had been experimenting with stretching the arms of a small rubber frog (one of those incredibly cheap ones that you get in party bags) and sadly one of the legs had come right off.
It was Bundle's favourite blue frog and he was, for quite some time, absolutely inconsolable.
All my best efforts had failed, so Cherub decided to have a go at it. After not having much success initially, he decided to call in the big guns, so he went and found his favourite soft toy, just to see if Puppy could do it.
And it went a little something like this.
Cherub's puppy: Don't be sad Bundle, it's okay...
Bundle: *sniff* but my froggy lost a *sob* arrrrmmm...
Cherub's puppy: Well, you know, when I was a little boy, I had a toy like that too....
Bundle: You can't have been a little boy *sniff* You're just a cuddly, and cuddlies don't grow up...
[short pause]
Cherub's puppy: We-e-e-ell. When I was real.....
I'm not sure if it was because Bundle was so busy trying to figure out whether that made sense that he forgot to be sad, or because Cherub told him he had something on the back of his neck and then proceeded to poke him until he started giggling, but we had a happy Bundle again in no time at all.
And, once again, an awestruck and very proud daddy.
Bundle had been experimenting with stretching the arms of a small rubber frog (one of those incredibly cheap ones that you get in party bags) and sadly one of the legs had come right off.
It was Bundle's favourite blue frog and he was, for quite some time, absolutely inconsolable.
All my best efforts had failed, so Cherub decided to have a go at it. After not having much success initially, he decided to call in the big guns, so he went and found his favourite soft toy, just to see if Puppy could do it.
And it went a little something like this.
Cherub's puppy: Don't be sad Bundle, it's okay...
Bundle: *sniff* but my froggy lost a *sob* arrrrmmm...
Cherub's puppy: Well, you know, when I was a little boy, I had a toy like that too....
Bundle: You can't have been a little boy *sniff* You're just a cuddly, and cuddlies don't grow up...
[short pause]
Cherub's puppy: We-e-e-ell. When I was real.....
I'm not sure if it was because Bundle was so busy trying to figure out whether that made sense that he forgot to be sad, or because Cherub told him he had something on the back of his neck and then proceeded to poke him until he started giggling, but we had a happy Bundle again in no time at all.
And, once again, an awestruck and very proud daddy.
Sunday 19 April 2009
If you feel like jumping and you dont know what to do
Well, you could record a children's album with Marty "Go the Dome" Worrall from season 2 of Aus Idol.*
Or, you could read this handy guide to trampoline games as invented by Bundle and Cherub.
The look on the dog's face was so clear that I could almost see the caption over his head, which could only have said "Theze hoomins iz nutths" or similar.
This actually worked, if only briefly. It got far more chaotic when Bundle decided to claim a point any time he passed anywhere near Cherub or I, regardless of where we were on the trampoline or whether we were moving. Cherub liked the idea too, and the game ended up with the two of them randomly running all over the trampoline yelling "Prize.. prize.. prize..." each time they passed anywhere near anyone else. Or when they didn't.
The look on Honey Bear's face when I said "hey, watch this new game our children invented" was really more than a little entertaining.
I should add that the thing I enjoy most about this game (and yes, we still play it) is that the main prize for the winner is an imaginary silver cup. Other participants who do reasonably well win some cheese.*****
There is a reason. It took me weeks to figure it out, but there is a reason.
In any case, it has been known to lead to conversations like this...
Bundle: I WON. I GET THE SILVER CUP! Oh, here Daddy, you can have some cheese.
INC: What? That's all I get. Just cheese?
Bundle: Oh, okay, you can have a silver cup too.
*Hands imaginary silver cup to INC*
** Me
Or, you could read this handy guide to trampoline games as invented by Bundle and Cherub.
It's working
This one started when I finally persuaded Bundle and Cherub that, rather than holding hands with one or the other of them while bouncing, I could hold hands with both and they could hold hands with each other and the three of us could stand in the middle of the trampoline and all bounce together.
We tried it. One of us, mildly surprised by the success of this idea, yelled "It's working!". This was closely followed by "It's not working!" as we collapsed in an unceremonious heap of randomly bouncing limbs.
Pretty soon, the game became a battle of opinions, as whoever had most recent yelled "It's not working" would try to drag the other two of us matwards.
If that was all there was to the game, it might not have made the list, but the boys have now refined it further by deciding that one's opinion as to whether "it's working" is dictated by the colour of one's shirt. Anyone in a blue shirt must believe and declared that "it's working", a red shirt requires the belief that "it's not working", and the person wearing black** must declare that "it's never working".
Just to add to the chaos, now pants colour must be taken into account too. So, when I wear a black T-shirt with khaki shorts, I am required to believe that "it's never working" and "it's always working".
Simultaneously.
Add two enthusiastic boys yelling similarly diametrical opinions and you will end up with an exercise in bouncy surrealism guaranteed to leave everyone involved laughing too hard to breathe.
It is also worth noting at this point that this game operates on exactly the same principle as De Bono's six thinking hats, and I'm willing to bet Edward was much more than 4 years old when he thought that one up.
Walking to Work
This is another game that developed from the practice of holding hands with one child and bouncing in the middle of the trampoline. One day when it was Cherub's turn to do this, Bundle decided to walk around the outside of the trampoline.
I should mention at this point that, if your trampoline is neither round nor surrounded by a very strong and very high net, do not allow your children to play this game.
Ever.
In any case, the basic idea is that one boy will try to "walk to work"*** around the outside of the trampoline while the other boy and I will wait for the most opportune moment to bounce towards the walker and land heavily next to him. If this is done correctly, the walker is bounced off his feet and he lies on the trampoline giggling before suggesting that we do it again.
It's far less sophisticated than the last game (for now), but pleasingly environmentally conscious.
I'm dead
Another fairly straightforward one. The boys and I run around the trampoline until we fall over. Each person who falls announces "I'm dead" and lies there. The last one to die wins.
As with most of the games listed here, I'm not sure how this was invented, and I'm even less sure as to why. My guess, though, would be that it was inspired by a game the boys learnt at a friend's birthday party last year.
The game, called "Dead Man", was imported from America by some of the most engaging children ever to cross the Pacific. In essence, you need to gather a fairly large number of small children. Generally, 6 to 8 works well. One child lies in the middle of the trampoline and the rest of them run around the outside chanting, oddly enough, "Dead man dead man come alive, when I count to number five".
The child in the middle tries to get up by the time the others have counted to five, which is not particularly easy when effect of having six children running around is to cause the allegedly dead person to jolt around wildly.
I only noticed that my children were participating in this when, from across my friends' back yard, I heard the familiar sound of a horizontal, slightly airborne Cherub giggling endlessly and declaring "That drives me nutths"****
Help Woof!
Technically, this should be punctuated as "Help, Woof!" but leaving out the comma gives you a much clearer idea of how it is to be pronounced.
This one was invented while we were dog-sitting my sister's King Charles Spaniel, a beautiful little dog who is very affectionate despite the daily burden of having been named "Woofy". At our place, he is commonly addressed as "Woofster" or simply "Woof", which is no better at all.
Whenever they saw Woofy watching them, Bundle and Cherub would run into the net on one side of the trampoline, bounce off it, and run backwards to the other side whilst waving their arms around as if falling, and yelling "Help Woof".
I'm not sure what they expected a relatively small spaniel who was not even on the trampoline to do about their predicament, but his strategy of standing still and looking increasingly bemused seemed to be popular.
The look on the dog's face was so clear that I could almost see the caption over his head, which could only have said "Theze hoomins iz nutths" or similar.
Find a Spot
Originally, the idea of this game was that if a person was at the edge of a trampoline, anyone who managed to stand next to that person before they moved again would get a point. We would start on different sides and run through the middle, each trying to catch someone else whilst they were briefly standing still.This actually worked, if only briefly. It got far more chaotic when Bundle decided to claim a point any time he passed anywhere near Cherub or I, regardless of where we were on the trampoline or whether we were moving. Cherub liked the idea too, and the game ended up with the two of them randomly running all over the trampoline yelling "Prize.. prize.. prize..." each time they passed anywhere near anyone else. Or when they didn't.
The look on Honey Bear's face when I said "hey, watch this new game our children invented" was really more than a little entertaining.
I should add that the thing I enjoy most about this game (and yes, we still play it) is that the main prize for the winner is an imaginary silver cup. Other participants who do reasonably well win some cheese.*****
There is a reason. It took me weeks to figure it out, but there is a reason.
In any case, it has been known to lead to conversations like this...
Bundle: I WON. I GET THE SILVER CUP! Oh, here Daddy, you can have some cheese.
INC: What? That's all I get. Just cheese?
Bundle: Oh, okay, you can have a silver cup too.
*Hands imaginary silver cup to INC*
*Looks INC straight in the eye*
Bundle: It's made of cheese.
This trampoline has been excellent value for money.
On. So. Many. Levels.
....
* It takes hard work and talent to get this good at wandering off the point before anyone has the chance to even find out what the point is.
** Me
*** Why they picked this destination has never been fully explained.
**** "nuts". He's two years old.
Saturday 11 April 2009
Some things you just can't coach
Bundle is in the bath. Cherub and INC are watching him pack away all the bath toys so there is room for him to swim.
Yes, it is a big bath.
Bundle (to INC): You;ve never seen me swim before
Cherub (to Bundle): I've never seen you tidy up before.
INC (to everyone): *SNORT*
Yes, it is a big bath.
Bundle (to INC): You;ve never seen me swim before
Cherub (to Bundle): I've never seen you tidy up before.
INC (to everyone): *SNORT*
Wednesday 25 February 2009
When Abbott and Costello were young...
Another conversation that I can't quite believe actually happened.
[The scene is our toy room. Bundle and Cherub are sitting with a deck of cards between them.]
Bundle: Uno
Cherub: Uno
Bundle: Uno
Cherub: Uno
Bundle: No, Uno
Cherub: No, Uno
Bundle: No, Uno
Cherub: No, Uno
[beat]
Bundle: I don't know.....
[The scene is our toy room. Bundle and Cherub are sitting with a deck of cards between them.]
Bundle: Uno
Cherub: Uno
Bundle: Uno
Cherub: Uno
Bundle: No, Uno
Cherub: No, Uno
Bundle: No, Uno
Cherub: No, Uno
[beat]
Bundle: I don't know.....
Friday 9 January 2009
How to make a parent happy
Bundle: But why can't we go bike riding yet?
INC: Well, I need to get dressed first. I don't think everyone in the street wants to see me in my boxer shorts
Bundle: I think some of them might
INC: Well, I need to get dressed first. I don't think everyone in the street wants to see me in my boxer shorts
Bundle: I think some of them might
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